Borrowed the Car

After shopping for most of the day, a couple returns to find their car has been stolen. They go to the police station to make a full report. Then, a detective drives them back to the parking lot to see if any evidence can be found at the scene of the crime. To their amazement, the car has been returned. There is an envelope on the windshield with a note of apology and two tickets to a music concert. The note reads, "I apologize for taking your car, but my wife was having a baby and I had to hot-wire your ignition to rush her to the hospital. Please forgive the inconvenience. Here are two tickets for tonight's concert of Garth Brooks, the country-and-western music star." Their faith in humanity restored, the couple attend the concert and return home late. They find their house has been robbed. Valuable goods have been taken from thoughout the house, from basement to attic. And, there is a note on the door reading, "Well, you still have your car. I have to put my newly born kid through college somehow, don't I?"

Fancy Watch

Jake is struggling through a bus station with two huge and obviously heavy suitcases when a stranger walks up to him and asks "Have you got the time?" Jake sighs, puts down the suitcases and glances at his wrist. "It's a quarter to six," he says. "Hey, that's a pretty fancy watch!" exclaims the stranger. Jake brightens a little. "Yeah, it's not bad. Check this out" - and he shows him a time zone display not just for every time zone in the world, but for the 86 largest metropoli. He hits a few buttons and from somewhere on the watch a voice says "The time is eleven 'til six" in a very West Texas accent. A few more buttons and the same voice says something in Japanese. Jake continues "I've put in regional accents for each city". The display is unbelievably high quality and the voice is simply astounding. The stranger is struck dumb with admiration. "That's not all," says Jake. He pushes a few more buttons and a tiny but very hi-resolution map of New York City appears on the display. "The flashing dot shows our location by satellite positioning," explains Jake. "View recede ten," Jake says, and the display changes to show eastern New York state. "I want to buy this watch!" says the stranger. "Oh, no, it's not ready for sale yet; I'm still working out the bugs," says the inventor. "But look at this," and he proceeds to demonstrate that the watch is also a very creditable little FM radio receiver with a digital tuner, a sonar device that can measure distances up to 125 meters, a pager with thermal paper printout and most impressive of all, the capacity for voice recordings of up to 300 standard-size books," though I only have 32 of my favorites in there so far" says Jake. "I've got to have this watch!" says the stranger. "No, you don't understand; it's not ready." "I'll give you $1000 for it!" "Oh, no, I've already spent more than that." "I'll give you $5000 for it!" "But it's just not fair." "I'll give you $15,000 for it!" And the stranger pulls out a checkbook. Jake stops to think. He's only put about $8500 into materials and development, and with $15 000 he can make another one and have it ready for merchandising in only six months. The stranger frantically finishes writing the check and waves it in front of him. "Here it is, ready to hand to you right here and now. $15,000. Take it or leave it." Jake abruptly makes his decision. "OK," he says and peels off the watch. They make the exchange and the stranger starts happily away. "Hey, wait a minute," calls Jake after the stranger, who turns around warily. Jake points to the two suitcases he'd been trying to wrestle through the bus station. "Don't forget your batteries."

In Court

My boss is without peer when it comes to the rules and regulations that customs officials must follow. But when it comes to the law, well, that's a different story. We were attending a court case in which we were prosecuting a smuggler. The judge asked the court, "Who is making these allegations?" My boss stood up and proclaimed, "I am the alligator, your honor."

How an ATM works...

I rode home with a female coworker about five years ago. I asked her to wait for me while I used the ATM machine. She asked if I trusted "those people." "People *who*?" I asked? She said, "The ATM operates by having a person inside the box. Every time you put in your card, he takes it, looks at it, and checks his paper files and folders for your account number. Here he can find your PIN and check the balance. This person then asks you to ENTER your PIN, cross checks it, and if all matches, you can proceed. If not, he keeps your card. "If you ask for a statement, he types it from his books and you get the printout. If you ask for a withdrawal, he checks the balance and any restrictions, and if all is ok, gives you the amount. He *then* calls all of the other branches and ATMs, tells them how much you've withdrawn, so they can update *their* books. "Wonder where they find all those little people at??" This person with her ATM theory might have been misinformed...

Scheming...

NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go, and he couldn't return to Earth. The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. "A million dollars," he answered, "because I want to donate it to M.I.T." The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for two million dollars. "I want to give a million to my family," he explained, "and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research." The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear, "Three million dollars." "Why so much more than the others?" the interviewer asked. The lawyer replied, "If you give me $3 million, I'll give you $1 million, I'll keep $1 million, and we'll send the engineer."

Application

The Day I started my construction job, I was in the office filling out an employee form when I came to: Single__, Married__, Divorced___ . I marked single. Glancing the man next to me who was also filling out the form, I noticed he hadn't marked any of the blanks. Instead he'd written, "Yes, in that order."

How Many Wives?

A little boy was attending his first wedding with the family.. After the service, a cousin wondered aloud, "I wonder how many women can a man marry?" "Sixteen," volunteered Jenni's boy. The cousin was amazed that the boy had figured it out so quickly and asked, "How do you know that for sure?" "Easy," Jenni's boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, didn't you hear the preacher say: 'Four for better, four for worse, four richer, and four poorer,' and that makes sixteen "