Cynical Meanings

Cigarette: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end and a fool on the other. Divorce: Future tense of marriage. Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either." Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present. Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece. Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water power... Dictionary: A place where success comes before work. Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on. Classic: A book which people praise, but do not read. Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight. Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life. Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

A Deep Rooted Delusion

Perhaps you've heard of the man who thought he was dead? In reality he was very much alive. His delusion became such a problem that his family finally paid for him to see a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist spent many laborious sessions trying to convince the man he was still alive. Nothing seemed to work. Finally the doctor tried one last approach. He took out his medical books and proceeded to show the patient that dead men don't bleed. After hours of tedious study, the patient seemed convinced that dead men don't bleed. "Do you now agree that dead men don't bleed?" the doctor asked. "Yes, I do," the patient replied. "Very well, then," the doctor brought out a pin and pricked the patient's finger. Out came a trickle of blood. The doctor asked, "What does that tell you?" "Oh my goodness!" the patient exclaimed as he stared incredulously at his finger ... "Dead men do bleed!!"

The Most Important Discoveries

Man discovered weapons, invented hunting. Woman discovered hunting, invented furs. Man discovered colors, invented painting. Woman discovered painting, invented make-up. Man discovered speech, invented conversation. Woman discovered conversation, invented gossip. Man discovered agriculture, invented food. Woman discovered food, invented diet. Man discovered friendship, invented love. Woman discovered love, invented marriage. Man discovered trade, invented money. Woman discovered money, man has never recovered.

The Power of Woman

There were 11 people - ten men and one woman - hanging onto a rope that came down from a helicopter. They all decided that one person should get off, because if they didn't, the rope would break and everyone would die. No one could decide who should go, so finally, the woman gave a really touching speech saying how she would give up her life to save the others, because women were used to giving up things for their husbands and children, giving in to men, and not receiving anything in return. When she finished speaking, all the men started clapping.

Two Priests on Vacation

Two priests were going to Hawaii on vacation and decided that they would make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, and etc. The next morning they went to the beach, dressed in their "tourist" garb and were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" blonde in a tiny bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare and when she passed them, she smiled and said, "Good morning, Father" - "Good morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them individually, then passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she recognize them as priests? The next day they went back to the store, bought even more outrageous outfits-these were so loud, you could hear them before you even saw them-and again settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine, etc. After a while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a string bikini this time, came walking toward them again. (They were glad they had sunglasses, because their eyes were about to pop out of their heads.) Again, she approached them and greeted them individually: "Good morning, Father," "Good morning Father," and started to walk away. One of the priests couldn't stand it and said. "Just a minute, young lady. Yes, we are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did YOU know?" "Oh, Father, don't you recognize me? I'm Sister Angela!"

The Lawyer's Dog

A butcher was minding his store one day, when a dog ran in and stole a cut of meat off his counter. The butcher recognized the dog as belonging to his neighbor who was a lawyer. He called up his neighbor and said, "Your dog stole meat from my store. I believe you owe me for the meat." The lawyer said "You are correct. How much was the meat?" The butcher told him that it cost $4.50, the lawyer replied that the butcher should receive a check for that amount in the mail the next day. The next day, the check arrived in the mail for $4.50, with a bill attached for $150 "for legal consultation."

Haircut Request

When a customer slid into the barber chair, the barber asked him how he wanted his hair cut. "Make it short," the customer replied, "with a bare patch above my left ear, but longer on the right side so that it covers my right ear. I also want my left sideburn above my left ear and the right sideburn below my right ear." The barber looked puzzled and said, "I don't think I can do that." The customer replied, "I don't know why not--that's the way you cut it the last time I was here!"