Insurance

A client called to report an accident and ask if her insurance rates would go up. "Our underwriting department determines that", I said. Then I asked for her license number. Verifying her information, I asked, "NMF? Is that N as in Nancy, M as in Mary, and F as in Frank?" "Well... yes," she said. "But could you please tell your underwriters that it's also N as in Not, M as in My, and F as in fault?"

Bidding Higher

One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on a parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher. Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid - the parrot was his at last! As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the Auctioneer, "I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!" "Don't worry." said the Auctioneer, "He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?"

Talented Pet

There was a man who traveled all around the world. Every city he stopped in he would buy something for his mother and send it to her. On one such stop he found a parrot that spoke thirty different languages. He immediately bought it and sent it home to his mother. A few days later he calls his mother. "Did you like the parrot?" he asked her. "Oh yes," she replied. "It was delicious." "WHAT!" the man cried. "You ate it! That parrot wasn't for you to eat! It spoke thirty languages!" The mother paused for a moment and then said, "So why didn't he say something?"

Memory Course

Seems that this old couple are having trouble remembering things, so they sign up for a memory course. The course is wonderful and introduces them to a technique called word/name association. They come home and tell all their relatives, friends, and neighbors about it. Some months later, a neighbor approaches the man as he tends the garden. "Say, Ed, what was the name of the instructor of that memory course you liked so much?" "Well, it was...hmmm...let me think a minute... What's the name of that flower, you know, the one that smells so nice, but has thorns on the stems...?" "You mean a rose?" "Yeah, that's it...(shouting toward house) Hey, Rose, what was the memory course instructor's name?"

Grandma's Home

When I stopped the bus to pick up Chris for preschool, I noticed an older woman hugging him as he left the house. "Is that your grandmother?" I asked. "Yes," Chris said. "She's come to visit us for Christmas." "How nice," I said. "Where does she live?" "At the airport," Chris replied. "Whenever we want her, we just go out there and get her."

The Mouse

There was a little mouse in his little hole in the wall. The one day the mouse really wanted to take a walk, a huge cat was right at his door. The little mouse was really upset that he couldn't leave. While he was trying to figure out a solution, the mouse heard a dog barking. That's when he had a great thought. He said to himself, "Where there is a dog there is no cat and where there's no cat I can go for my walk." So he strutted on out of his mouse hole. All of a sudden the cat grabbed the mouse, chewed him up, and ate him. Then the cat said, "Wow, it's great to be bilingual!"

Day Off, a Boss's Perspective

So, you want the day off? Let's take a look at what you are asking for. There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks a year in which you already get 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work. Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving 91 days available. You spend 30 minutes a day on a coffee break. That accounts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available. With one Hour for lunch period each day you use up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available to work. You normally spend 2 days a year for sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days available for work. We are off for 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days. We generously give you 2 weeks off for vacation per year. This only leaves 1 day available for work. And I'll be damned if you're going to take that day off!!

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School Bus

It was the first day of school, after summer vacations and time for me to pick up the children in my school bus and take them home again. After I had made the complete run that afternoon, one little boy remained on the bus. Thinking he had simply missed his stop, I started driving slowly back through the neighborhood and asked him to be sure to let me know if any of the houses or people looked familiar. The boy sat in his seat contentedly and shook his head whenever I asked him if he recognized a person or place. After the second unsuccessful tour of the area, I started back to the school to ask for his address. When we arrived, the child got off the bus and started walking away. "Wait!" I called. "We have to go inside and find out where you live." "I live right there," he said, pointing to a house across the street. "I just always wanted to ride in a school bus."

Changing Times

A big mouth college student challenged a senior citizen saying it was impossible for their generation to understand his world. "You grew up in a different world," the student said. "Today we have television, jet planes, space travel, nuclear energy, computers, the internet..." Taking advantage of a pause in the student's litany, the senior said, "You're right sonny . We didn't have those things when we were young... so we invented them!"

New Student

It was the first day of school and a new student, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade. The teacher greeted the class and said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said "Give me Liberty, or give me death?" She saw only a sea of blank faces, except for that of Toshiba, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775," said the boy. "Now," said the teacher, "Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people shall not perish from the earth?'" Again, no response except from Toshiba: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863." The teacher snapped at the class, "You should be ashamed. Toshiba, who is new to our country, knows more about it than you do." As she turned to write something on the blackboard, she heard a loud whisper: "Damned Japanese." "Who said that?" she demanded. Toshiba put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982," he said.

Job Candidate

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?" The Engineer replied, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?" The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?" And the interviewer replied, "Yes, but you started it."