Kiss per Yard

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?" "Only one kiss per yard," replied the smirking male clerk. "That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards." With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then teasingly held it out. The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her. "Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.

Three Little Pigs

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read, "...And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, "Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?" One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said, "'Holy Crow! A talking pig!'" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

I need to poison my husband

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy!

I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law!

I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription.

Without Bias

Judge to the court, at the start of a case: "I have to declare an interest in this case. Last week, the plaintiff sent me a check for $10,000 to find in his favor. Two days later, I received $20,000 from the defendant to find in his favor. I have therefore sent $10,000 back to the defendant and can try the case without bias."

Interesting Unofficial Laws (But they're true... )

"The Law of Volunteering" If you dance with a grizzly bear, you had better let him lead. "The Law of Avoiding Oversell" When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse. "The Law of Reality" Never get into fights with ugly people; they have nothing to lose. "The Law of Self Sacrifice" When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last. "Weiler's Law" Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself. "Law of Probable Dispersal" Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed. "Law of Volunteer Labor" People are always available for work in the past tense. "Conway's Law" In any organization there is one person who knows what is going on. That person must be fired. "Iron Law of Distribution" Them that has, gets. "Law of Cybernetic Entomology" There is always one more bug. "Law of Drunkenness" You can't fall off the floor. "Heller's Law" The first myth of management is that it exists. "Osborne's Law" Variables won't; constants aren't. "Main's Law" For every action there is an equal and opposite government program. "Weinberg's Second Law" If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would have destroyed civilization.

Marriage Promise

A couple had been married for 45 years and had raised a brood of 11 children and were blessed with 22 grandchildren. When asked the secret for staying together all that time, the wife replies, "Many years ago we made a promise to each other: the first one to pack up and leave has to take all the kids...."

Interesting Emergency Calls

Dispatcher: Nine-one-one Caller: Hi, is this the police? Dispatcher: This is 911. Do you need police assistance? Caller: Well, I don't know who to call. Can you tell me how to cook a turkey? I've never cooked one before. Dispatcher: Nine-one-one What is the nature of your emergency? Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it. Dispatcher: This is nine eleven. Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing. Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid. Dispatcher: Nine-one-one What's the nature of your emergency? Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart. Dispatcher: Is this her first child? Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband Dispatcher: Nine-one-one Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn...I think I'm going to pass out. Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from? Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster. Damn.... Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic? Caller: No Dispatcher: What where you doing before you started having trouble breathing? Caller: Running from the police.

Martini?

Father O'Brian, a young priest, was sent to a very small church in the backwoods of Alaska. After a couple of years the Bishop decided to pay the priest a visit to see how he was doing. Father O'Brian said "this is a very lonely job and I don't think that I could have made it this long without my Rosary and two martinis each day." "What?!" Exclaimed the Bishop. "You've taken to drinking? What kind of example is that to set for the community? This doesn't reflect well on the church." "But the loneliness, I just couldn't stand it. If it weren't for my Rosary and those two martinis a day, I would surely have gone insane." The Bishop thought a moment, then said "I guess that is understandable considering..." With that the priest said to the Bishop, "Would you like to have a martini with me?" The Bishop said, "well, I really shouldn't but...Yes, that would be nice. I think I will, but just this once." The priest turned around and hollered toward the kitchen, "Hey Rosary, would you fix us two martinis please?"